December: Month that intoxicates us in happiness, love to the world and good desires. It’s the perfect month to share with your family. The novenas, candle night, Christmas Eve, fool’s day, new year’s eve, the magi… a thousand and one excuses to have incredible moments with them. The hangover comes in January when we realize that the excess of family, just as the one with food, has its contraindications. Overcoming family vacations without at least a squabble is a complete challenge and requires a lot of patience, tolerance and love (now I understand why these words always go in Christmas slogans).

If someone has returned from holidays without feeling the desire for at least one second of choking a family member, as nice as he is, he must be an orphan, be pending on being sanctified, or as in most cases, be a man. It’s not a secret that we women complicate things a lot more, especially when we are moms.

My advice to not mess up future vacations or start counterpointing a family member, which will later bring regret, is to prepare the best answer to give against adversities. By adversities I mean a series of unfortunate comments that didn’t had the opportunity to have a trip through the brain before getting to the mouth and that once you are a mom there will always be someone who will make it. For the one who makes them they might be inconsequential and fun, but for us they wake up the Charles Manson that we have inside.

1. “Today you girls are weak. I don’t understand why you complain. For me it was hard, with four babies in a row, without a babysitter, with cloth diapers and a husband like the ones in those days that didn’t help at all.”

Answer that you would like to give: What a misery that you had to live in that era. I suppose that, besides disposable diapers, safe contraconception methods were not invented yet, because who the hell would want 4 children in 5 years. Actually, how did you get pregnant with a husband that wasn’t at home? I understand your problems but I would also be consumed.

Answer that you should give: Smile and send them to Coventry.

1. “I would’ve already slapped that kid; he won’t whine like that to me.”

Answer that you would like to give: If you had children (because paradoxically this phrase is always given by people without children) that if in the middle of the whining I get equally or more violent than him, the thing will get worse to the point of triggering World War III. By being condescending I’m trying for you to have a nice moment and carry out things the good way. In the tranquility and intimacy of our house I’ll see how to fix it.

Answer that you should give: Smile and send them to Coventry.

1. “Are you gonna sleep now? Don’t be so boring!”

Answer that you would like to give: You find it boring that I spent all the day at the pool, not laid down tanning like you did, but playing shark, drowned and jellyfish (introduce your face in the water and make bubbles until you can’t have one more broken vessel). You find it boring that I had to go to the pool again while you were napping before lunch? I think I should rest because you aren’t going to help me take care of him and you are only going to carry him 5 seconds for the pic you’re going to take.

Answer that you should give: Smile and send them to Coventry

1. “Lolo is spoiled and apathetic, you should see Faustina’s grandson how sympathetic he is with everybody.”

Answer that you would like to give: If you visited him more often maybe you wouldn’t be such a stranger to him. If you knew him a little bit more you would know that he doesn’t like to be forced to be hugged, that it hurts him when they squish his cheeks and that he gets scared when you scream at him, even if it’s that tong twister that you think it’s funny. Maybe that’s why he runs away frightened all the time. Lolo isn’t apathetic, he is selective. Ah and I don’t care about Faustina’s grandson.

Answer that you should give: Smile and send them to Coventry.

1. “The kid was fine until his mom arrived”

Answer that you would like to give: What the f… hell are you trying to say? I’m not even going to try to elaborate an answer, come here and receive your slap.

Answer that you should give: Smile, send them to Coventry and go for a drink.

If the drink doesn’t help think that everything can always be worse, I know some that came up with this jewel: “I don’t know who that kid looks like, because that person is not from this side of the family.”

And if you felt identified, alluded or attacked with at least one of these phrases, just smile and send me to Coventry. To be a happy mom sometimes that’s all you need.